Thankful [2]

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I began a list of things that I am thankful for a few weeks ago (Thankful [1]). Considering the fact that it is in fact Thanksgiving Day, I figured that today would be a reasonable time to finish and post this bad boy. So, here we go again…

16. My “Other Moms”: I’ll admit it– sometimes when I listen to my friends talk to their moms about their days or recent happenings, I get jealous that I don’t have that type of relationship with my own mother… Then that feeling of jealousy usually turns to a feeling of sadness. But recently I realized that I am incredibly blessed in the “mom department”, just in a way that is different than most. Instead of having one, solid mom who I can talk to about things, I have been blessed with four amazing mothers. While only one of them is actually my biological mother, the others have taken on the roles of guiding, supporting, loving, and essentially raising me. So, I just needed to publicly say, Laura, Allison, & Rezel I am so thankful for you and everything that you have done for me. I love you all so much.

17. Travel: I’ve always been a bit adventure hungry and up until recently, dreams of big adventures were well… just dreams. But over the course of the last two years alone I have been able to travel to San Francisco (on four occasions), Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Utah, Nebraska, Iowa, Idaho, New Hampshire, New York, Connecticut, Massachusetts, and Vermont. I am thankful for my job at the StreetSchool Network that has allowed me to travel and see the country, and for friends who have moved and graciously invited me into their new homes to stay for a while.

18. Extra-extra-extra-extra-long pants: It may seem a bit petty, but when you’re a 6’2″ athletically built woman, finding pants that are both long enough and don’t fit you incredibly weird is nearly an impossible venture. So today, I am thankful for 39″ inseam pants (and my wonderful principal who invested in me by buying me several pairs from Alloy so I don’t have to freeze my tukus off this winter)!

19. Little financial surprises & answered prayers: When you raise your own support, finances are often kinda tight and so I have been looking for a part-time tutoring job so that I can start saving up for my graduate school textbooks and the big move. But God has shown up in crazy ways these last few weeks, even in the midst of my mini-finacial-crises. Without much effort or thought at all I was able to land an adjunct teaching position at my alma mater. Then, within the same week, I was randomly given an entire box of groceries and a gift card to my local grocery for fresh produce. It has been really neat to see God provide for my needs, no matter how big or small. As my boss always says, “God loves His kids and loves to provide for us when we ask.”

20. My “boring” life: “Miss, you don’t own a tv, you don’t have a boyfriend, and you allegedly don’t go out… What exactly do you do with your life?” “Well, I hang out with Miss S and Miss Miller a lot to lesson plan and get coffee. I go to potluck on Mondays, and Bible study three nights a week… and other than that I just walk my dog and sleep. AND I LOVE IT!” This conversation literally happens at least once a week, and I’m not sure that my students honestly believe me that I love my life the way that it is, but I do. After living through a few years that were only rivaled by the drama and insanity of reality television, I am thankful that I get to be a bit of an introverted homebody these days. It might not be the most exciting existence, but I’m pretty content.

21. The psuedo-tradition of music: I love coming from a big family, but because there are so many of us that have started with one family and then been smushed into my current HUGE family, we don’t have many solid traditions anymore. Yet even in the midst of the smush-ed-ness, we all share the commonality of music. I am thankful that I have always grown up with music playing in my house and I am even more thankful for that awesome feeling of being in the car with my parents or siblings, cranking up the volume to a ridiculous 80’s hair band, and singing at the top of our lungs– together.

22. Ice cream: Obviously.

23. My wonderful “fake roommates”: Amy, Amy, Mallory, and Julie- I don’t think that you four know how much I really love you guys. The fact that I have a toothbrush and pajamas in your house for our weekly sleepovers simply makes my heart so happy. Our late night chats, morning coffee, and 24 marathons have made such a difference in the way that I view my life, as well as in my walk with Jesus. You four are beautiful, strong women of Christ and I cherish our friendship. Thank you for being awesome.

24. The fact that I was born in America: I am incredibly thankful that I was born in a country where my freedom of religion (and most other freedoms) are protected by law. I am also thankful for the people who have sacrificed, and continue to sacrifice to secure those freedoms everyday.

25. Charlie Ray: Yes, I am one of those “crazy dog ladies” who loves her pet far too much. But I just can’t help it! There is just something so comforting about opening my front door after a long day and having a tiny white furball pounce on me. In weird ways, this pup has taught me so much about God’s unconditional love and for that, I am thankful.

27. Health insurance: This is one of those “you know you’re a ‘grown-up’ when” things… Up until recently, I have almost always had health insurance; and up until a few months ago, when my insurance expired and I wasn’t sure that anyone would re-insure me because of my pre-exisiting conditions, I didn’t realize how much I had taken my insurance for granted. I am thankful that my clumsy self is now insured again.

28. Friendsgiving: In the 90’s I was semi-addicted to the tv show Friends. (Let’s be honest, who wasn’t?) I always wanted a group of friends who I could celebrate holidays with and just do everyday life with. And as I sit here typing this at my “fake roommates” dining room table, the house is a buzz with my version of the Friends cast preparing pies, brining the turkey, and of course, making coffee– a staple in this household. I’m incredibly thankful for the people that I will be eating with today, both my roommates and our friends that will be joining us later, and for the blessing of absurd amounts of tasty foods. We are truly blessed.

Happy Thanksgiving to all! I hope your days are blessed with family, food, and fellowship.

Blessings, Lou

Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving.”

(Colossians 4:2)

November 26, 2013December 30, 2013

Shaken up

I have a weird collection of snow globes from when I was a child. (Apparently my grandmother thought that the best thing for her clumsy granddaughter to collect was fragile glass balls of glittery water… You now know where I get my logical thinking from…) Anyway, as I sat staring at the row of snow globes on my bookcase in my apartment the other day, something in my brain clicked.

Lately, I have felt like one of the tiny figurines in my snow globes. When the globe is sitting in one place, everything is clear– which is symbolic of the state that I have been living in for roughly the last year. Last December, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was exactly where God wanted me. I thought I was going to be teaching at the Denver Street School for years to come. I didn’t foresee any big changes in my life that were going to shake up my snow globe existence and I was pretty content with that.

Then last January when I turned down a missions fellowship in Glasgow, Scotland, God shook up my snow globe by having my dear friend take me to a Perspectives class and wreck me for the broken and lost all over the world. Even though I didn’t see it then, this was the beginning of my journey toward graduate school and Texas.

Fast forward 11 months, 1 grad school acceptance letter, and several major freakouts:

This past Saturday, while having coffee and Bible study with two of my closest friends, it dawned on me: I didn’t need to be freaked out about moving to Texas next summer. After all, I’m not moving to “live” in Texas; I’m moving to live with God somewhere else. (Keep in mind that this revelation came after weeks of praying and crying while the glittery dust of getting accepted into graduate school settled in my little snow globe of a life.) It was in that revelation that I really felt at peace with where God was leading me. That afternoon the glittery dust finally settled and for the first time since this chaotic journey began, I was ready to go where ever God wanted me to go.

Not even 24 hours later, I was sitting in another coffee shop waiting to have coffee with a different friend before evening church when I logged onto my school’s website to register for my spring semester online classes when I saw it– the listing of online classes for next summer and fall. More precisely, the list showing exactly the classes that I need to take next summer and fall online.

I couldn’t believe it. I literally sat and stared at my computer screen for a solid 5 minutes trying to process what this meant. I can take my whole first year of grad school online… Does this mean I still have to move this coming August? Is this an answer to my incredibly selfish prayers to not have to leave Denver quite yet? Should I move anyway, even if I don’t have to?

In those 5 minutes, it felt like I was back in my little snow globe, except this time it wasn’t sitting somewhere while the glittery dust was gently floating to the bottom like the day prior. No, this time Someone had it in Their hand and They were shaking it up, mixing all of my carefully laid plans together.

Thankfully, my friend walked in shortly after and she was able to chat through things with me, reminding me that I need to pray through things and not freak out. So pray, we did and once again I was reminded that none of this is my decision anyway. Ultimately, I will go where God wants me to go. I simply need to pray, wait, and let the glitter settle again so I could see clearly where He is leading me.

After about an hour of chatting, we gathered our things and went to church together, where our missions pastor stood up and announced that there were still openings for this summer’s missions fellowship to, you guessed it, Glasgow, Scotland. Instantly, my snow globe was shaken up again and my thoughts started swirling along with all of the glitter in my brain.

Is this why I might not have to move to Dallas right now? Am I supposed to spend my summer working with the homeless and hopeless on the other side of the world in Glasgow? Is this another answered prayer or is this just me wanting adventure and finding it right at my finger tips?

The answer: I don’t know.

But I do know that as I write this, I have my missions application open in the other tab of my browser and I’m planning to begin it shortly. I don’t know if God is leading me to Dallas, or Glasgow, both, or even somewhere completely different this summer, but I do know that He is leading me… and He will take me exactly where I’m supposed to go.

⁴Make me to know your ways, O Lord;
teach me your paths.
⁵Lead me in your truth and teach me,
for you are the God of my salvation;
for you I wait all the day long.”

(Psalm 25:4-5)

November 22, 2013November 26, 2013

The little things & the rough days

Some days it’s hard not to let the little things get you down.

The snide remark that one of your kids shoots at you due to misdirected teenage angst, the e-mail reminding you that one of your brightest students got expelled due to behavioral issues, the fact that when you turned on your car to commute through a snow storm you were reminded that you don’t have heat and that you would be sitting in 12 degrees for the next 45 minutes…

It’s been a rough week around these parts and I admit that I’m guilty of letting things like this get me down. And yes, sometimes I’m guilty of making my home at the crossroads of Cynicism and Snark, instead of abiding with my Father as I have been called to do.

But just when the enemy begins to make me feel guilty, like I am subpar, both as a teacher and human being, it is then that I am reminded that God is there in the little things.

He is there when I roll my eyes at my students and when I cry out to him in my freezing car, sobbing because I feel like a failure for losing one of the students with whom I am closest.

He was there both when I opened my empty refrigerator this morning and when I was blessed by a complete stranger with a box of groceries and a King Soopers gift card this afternoon.

God is with me.

And as I sit in my empty classroom early on a Friday evening with the muffled sound of my students laughing at the movie they are watching in the next room, I am reminded that He is here in the little things. This is His ministry and things are all playing out just as they are meant to, both here and in my non-work-related-life (Ha! As if I have one of those…).

I serve a beautiful Creator who is always with me and within me, and for that I am grateful.

Do you not know that you are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in you?”

(1 Corinthians 3:16)

November 14, 2013November 16, 2013

Thankful [1]

Every year, I see people do the daily “social media / thankfulness” thing where you post one thing that they are thankful for per day. I love this idea, but due to my inconsistent & crazy schedule, I’m not great at doing daily tasks like that (Honestly, I’m so busy that I’m lucky if I remember to get dressed every morning). So, instead, here is the first part of my list. These people, these things, these are what my hearts beats for and because of (in no particular order). Thank you.

1. Camille: I am thankful for you my beautiful sister. Thank you for walking beside me all these years. Thank you for loving me when I am bright and shiny, and dark and twisty. Thank you for putting up with my temper tantrums and crying voicemails. Thank you for being a strong, upstanding woman of God who I can look to for advice and strength. You are a brilliant inspiration to those around you and I know that God is going to take you places in this world. Thank you for loving me.

2. The gift of being single: In a culture that is consumed with hooking up and jumping from relationship to relationship, I am thankful that I have this season to find out not only who I am “alone”, but who I am in God. I hope that some day my future will include dating, getting married, and having a family, but for now, I am thankful that God has taught me to be content with being single.

3. My brothers: I am beyond indebted to the wonderful men in my life for their love and protection. From giving me their “okay” on difficult life decisions to helping me figure out how to change a tire, they are always there when I need a helping hand or a smack in the head. Matthew, Christopher, Kenny, Anthony, & Josh I hope you know how much I love you all.

4. I’m thankful for the days when I am at my weakest. Those days when I know that I am unworthy of grace and broken… those are the days when I need God the most. And for days like that, I am incredibly thankful.

5. Danielle Gail Johnson: It’s been wierd learning how to live life without this girl by my side. The holidays are especially difficult because I know that your heart was breaking three years ago, so broken in fact that you took your own life. And knowing that you were broken and that we didn’t do enough to support you stings. Yet I am so thankful that you were put in my life, if only for a few seasons. Thank you for teaching me the value of life and the importance of loving the people that God has placed in my life, unconditionally.

6. The Denver Street School: No, not everyday is full of rainbows, puppies, and happiness. Yes, some days I leave work and cry in my car on the way home. But the fact that I get to work in a school where I can openly talk about God and His love for all of creation has been such a blessing in my life. Watching Him draw my students to Himself has been sublime. Plus, knowing that I get to work in the same ministry that God originally used to draw me to Himself blows my mind everyday. I love praying with my co-teachers every morning and serving the community with my students every month. I am truly blessed to work where I do.

7. My support team: I literally wouldn’t be able to do what I do if I didn’t have a great team of financial supporters and prayer warriors backing me this year. Thank you to those who help me to keep a roof over my head and pay my electric bills. I literally owe you my life right now, and cannot thank you enough!

8. The blessing of being a long-distance “momma”: I’m not going to lie; Saying goodbye to my babies sucked. I miss them everyday and would give just about anything to be able to get them ready for school every morning and tuck them into bed every night. But being a long-distance momma has taught me a lot about giving control of my life over to God. I have had to learn to trust Him in ways that I never would be able to if I had my kiddos living with me. I am reminded daily that my babies are God’s babies too and that He has a plan for them, for all of us really, that blows my nearsighted plan out of the water.

9. Scum of the Earth: Moving back into the city & sliding into such a wonderful church body has been a blessing that I simply cannot explain. I am thankful for my Scum-bags (and baguettes), and all of the joy and wisdom that this church has blessed me with.

10. The imminent move: Knowing that this will be my last Autumn and Winter in Colorado for a while has made me appreciate all of the small things: the cool evenings, the slushy roads that I can puddle jump in after a snow, the BEAUTIFUL mountains, and the way the sunsets behind them… I know that I’m going to miss my home, but I’m so thankful that I’ll be leaving for a while, as it has taught me not to sweat the small stuff and to live in the moment.

11. The International Phonetic Alphabet: Yes, this is incredibly nerdy, I understand that. But very few things make my heart leap like transcribing things into the International Phonetic Alphabet, and knowing that I get to do nerdy things like this for the next few years in grad school makes me so happy that I could squeal with joy. I can’t wait to see where God takes me with this.

lid mi tu ðə ɛndz əv ðə ərθ

12. Aurora, Colorado: It’s weird to think that I am so in love with the city that I once itched to leave, but I am. I am thankful for the memories built there and the friends that I made as I moved through different stages of life there. I’m thankful for every weird experience and wrong turn that I made while living there because they all lead me to the place where I am today.

13. Broken relationships & reconciliation: There is no simple way to explain this one, but I’m thankful that God has given me an opportunity to fix the relationships that I have royally screwed up over the last five years or so. I serve a God of redemption and He has shown this in BIG ways in my life this year.

14. My mother: No, we don’t see eye-to-eye on most things… and no, our relationship is no where near where I would like it to be right now, but after all that we’ve been through over the last five years, I am simply thankful that she is alive. She’s tough as nails, and I am thankful for her strong, unconventional, fighting spirit.

momandchicken

15. Relaxation: Tonight I am simply thankful for calm weeknights when I can light all of the candles in my studio, slip into sweats and fuzzy socks, make a pot of tea, and simply write for the pleasure of writing. It is a blessing to be able to relax in the midst of a crazy schedule.

[Part 2 of this list to come eventually… For now, I am going to finish this pot of tea and the book sitting by my feet. May your November be blessed and may you have the time to slow down and thank God for the blessings that surround us all. Love, Lou]

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

November 8, 2013April 8, 2014

Pharise[m]e

A few months ago I was talking about personality types with one of my coworkers friends at lunch. She had recently been asked to take on an administrative-type role within the school that we work in and admitted that she thinks that she is too “type B” to be successful in that line of work. As a complete scatter-brain, I told her that I myself felt like I didn’t do well when I worked in administration, mostly because I am “so Type B that I’m almost type C”. (I stand by my statement; I’m sure that’s how that works.)

I am not a “planner” and honestly was only slightly successful in an administration role because of my flexibility and ability to adapt my actions when situations dissolve around me.

Don’t get me wrong, I love organization, but I don’t maintain it well over extended periods of time.

And while I appreciate rules, I have always been one to test my boundaries.

When you combine all of these character traits, it is obvious why I flourish in the semi-chaotic alternative school that I work in.

But I noticed a bit of an internal change when I transitioned from working within the school to teaching at the school full time– You see, as a teacher, I felt a new need to have my kids uphold “the rules”.

You know…

“Thou shall not cuss in my classroom.”

“Thou shall not punch thy classmate in thy face.”

“Thou shall not sleep with thy boyfriend, lest thee become pregnant and drop out of school.”

“Thou shall not smoke weed during morning break.”

The RULES of school.

This desire to “uphold” the rules is probably a result of a year of educator training in my licensure program and that feeling of teacher-ly responsibility for molding these young adults into fully functioning, responsible, morally upstanding citizens. (A weighty responsibility when you yourself are only 22 and have yet to actually understand how to buy your own health insurance or figure out how a mortgage works.)

Anyway, I tried and tried to force my students to uphold “the rules”, but in true teenage fashion, the more I reminded them of these weird laws the more they seemed to push back or just block me out entirely. For the last several months, I exhausted myself playing into this bizarre power struggle with my students over things that I honestly have minimum control over.

Then, my Gospel Community dug into the beginning of John 5.

After this there was a feast of the Jews, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem.

²Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, in Aramaic called Bethesda, which has five roofed colonnades. ³In these lay a multitude of invalids—blind, lame, and paralyzed.⁵One man was there who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. ⁶When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there a long time, he said to him, “Do you want to be healed?” ⁷The sick man answered him, “Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I am going another steps down before me.” ⁸Jesus said to him, “Get up, take up your bed, and walk.” ⁹And at once the man was healed, and he took up his bed and walked.

Now that day was the Sabbath. ¹⁰So the Jews said to the man who had been healed, “It is the Sabbath, and it is not lawful for you to take up your bed.” ¹¹But he answered them, “The man who healed me, that man said to me, ‘Take up your bed, and walk.’” ¹²They asked him, “Who is the man who said to you, ‘Take up your bed and walk’?” ¹³Now the man who had been healed did not know who it was, for Jesus had withdrawn, as there was a crowd in the place. ¹⁴Afterward Jesus found him in the temple and said to him, “See, you are well! Sin no more, that nothing worse may happen to you.” ¹⁵The man went away and told the Jews that it was Jesus who had healed him. ¹⁶And this was why the Jews were persecuting Jesus, because he was doing these things on the Sabbath.

In many other translations of passage, the phrase “the Jews” has been substituted for “the Pharisees”, which is actually a more accurate depiction of the people questioning Jesus and the man whom He has healed. The Pharisees were the Jewish leaders charged with upholding “the law”, and up until the moment when we read this passage out loud as a group, I had never been able to fully identify with someone charged with up keeping the law.

But in that moment, I felt like someone had dropped a ton of bricks on my chest.

I had become a modern day Pharisee.

It’s not a question of whether or not God works miracles in the lives of my students… I know He does and I’ve seen several students’ lives transformed by His grace and mercy just this school year.

Just like Jesus healed the man by the pool in Jerusalem, He has transformed the live of one of my “toughest” students who was addicted to drugs and teetering on the edge of gang life just three months ago.

And while I literally screamed and jumped up and down the moment that I found out that He had accepted Christ, I have relentlessly been nagging him and my other students about “the rules” just like the Pharisees nagged Jesus about healing someone on the Sabbath and then telling them to stand up and carry their bed.

“Quit cussing in class.” “If you stopped smoking weed, you wouldn’t be super lethargic and you could get your homework done.” “Get away from your boyfriend/girlfriend in the hallways.” “Blah blah, [Insert the annoying “adult voice” from the Peanuts comic strip here] blah blah.”

Why I continue to think that my rules are going to affect change in the lives of my broken students when they really just need Jesus, I don’t know.

But what I do know, is that I’m taking a bit of a new approach within my line of work.

No, I’m not going to stop addressing problems when they arise and I’m not going to speak the truth about life and the Gospel any less. (And students, if you’re reading this please don’t think that this is an open opportunity for you to punch your classmate in the face tomorrow.)

But I’m vowing not to sweat the small stuff and instead address the deeper issue at hand; the fact that we may be rebels and rule breakers, but that we were all placed here to glorify a beautiful King, and that nothing outside of Him is going to fill the void that they feel when they try to slap a band aid over a flesh wound.

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